Keep a Notebook

"The impulse to write things down is a peculiarly compulsive one, inexplicable to those who do not share it, useful only accidentally, only secondarily, in the way that any compulsion tries to justify itself." - Joan Didion's On Keeping a Notebook

I continue to teach Joan Didion's short essay, "On Keeping a Notebook," in writing classes because I myself return to it. We writers find ourselves scribbling down notes - observations, images, thoughts - because we must. There's something we want to understand or remember for later. Sometimes we remember the context, sometimes we don't even remember the moment. But the process of writing something down is dear to us. 

Didion describes us: "Keepers of private notebooks are a different breed altogether, lonely and resistant rearrangers of things, anxious malcontents, children afflicted apparently at birth with some presentiment of loss."  Do we write what we want to remember, save for later, or relive? We don't necessarily write what happened; this kind of notebook isn't a diary. There could be a color or a sentiment we want to remember and, perhaps, write into another context.

My son is two years old and scribbling with whatever he can find: my pen over the grocery list from the perch of the shopping cart or a crayon on mail or that (damn!) toy's tail that leaves marks on the wall. What is he thinking? Does he want to simply fill in the space or is he preserving ideas? (According to the pediatrician, he's strengthening his small hand muscles.)

I bought him a small wire bound notebook. He's filled most of the pages or, at least, the pages he hasn't torn out. I keep it in my purse to fill the time or save my own pen and notebook when I'm trying to write.

I wonder what he'll write once he learns to write the alphabet, then words and then organizes the words into sentences and paragraphs.

Read Didion's full essay here. 

Take Care of Mamma

Author, agent and teacher Cynthia Blair Kane is an inspiration. We were talking about balancing work, life and writing and she said fervently, "Yes! You must take care of yourself. 100% and First." And she's right. If I'm overwhelmed and destroyed by exhaustion, how will I be able to do anything well, including care for my son?

That's not always easy. How is there time to rest (or money to hire babysitters), let alone do all of the things that urgently need to be done? I can put off laundry for a few days, but I can't put off buying food to feed my son meals and snacks.

I don't know what the key is, but I know we each need to be frank with ourselves and our partners. We are all going to make small and big mistakes regularly, but that doesn't mean that all is lost (even if it feels like it through exhausted tears.) Check in with your partner, see what s/he needs and ask for what you need. Be specific. If you don't know what you need but you know you need something, say that. Say what feels real and take care of yourself.

These beginning years are hard. Really, really hard. I'm reminded, though, when teaching memoir writing workshops that journaling can help, too. Many of my students have well-documented pasts in letters, journals and diaries that they kept. Sure, the diaries tend to be fairly emotional, but they help to reminder the writers who they were and how they made it through. This is helpful for your own emotional development, as well as future writing (if you choose to work on that original material.)

Not all writing is or needs to be public. You can write for yourself to keep yourself even-keeled and healthy. Check out Cynthia's website for her recent articles on living well. You might also find this Huffington Post article 6 Unexpected Ways Writing Can Transform Your Health interesting. 

Pregnancy and Parenting Advice Internet Style

Reading parent online discussions about pregnancy or children's medical issues is like watching a train wreck. It isn't good for anyone involved, yet I can't stop turning my head.

* Parents post photographs of their baby's rash - on their genitalia - and say that the doctor said to do something, but the parents don't want to. What do you, random person with a computer, think I should do instead?

* I read something by one mamma who dropped her baby on the sidewalk. She was reassured by many other parents who had also dropped their babies on hard surfaces. And you know, they seem fine. For now. Without medical attention.

* One mother posted recently that her contractions were one minute apart. What should she do? I read this a few days after it was posted and women were continuing to offer late, time-sensitive advice. No follow-up from the mother.

* There are posts about cheating spouses, suspicious relatives left alone with tiny babies, anti-vaccination posts and more.

Why would you listen to someone on the internet who doesn't know your baby's medical history or anything about you? It is baffling. I understand the need to connect with other parents; parenthood can be scary and lonely. But just because you are pregnant, got someone pregnant, gave birth, adopted, foster or otherwise care for children, none of that means you suddenly gain the knowledge of a medical professional.

But, if you would listen to just anyone, even someone with an MFA in poetry and a computer, here's my advice:

Call your doctor. Follow the doctor's advice and if you don't like it, get a second opinion. From a medical doctor.

The Parenthood Club

I'm not much of a joiner. I like to think that I'd be a team player if I were on a team, but I avoid joining them.

I am now a (baby-carrying?) member of the Parenthood Club. There are the smiles and nods with other parents and caregivers on the street. Often, if I'm with the bambino, other parents, with or without their babies, will start talking. Sometimes it is pleasant - I found myself sharing late-night-no-sleep stories with the receptionist at the dentist's office. Another time I chatted about teething with the mother of a little girl in an elevator.

And sometimes it isn't pleasant. Should we get along and share intimate details of our lives just because we are caring for tiny humans? No. And no, please don't touch my child if we don't know each other. No, don't let your animal sniff my child if we don't know each other. No, I don't want to discuss nursing.

Waiting for my husband to get the car after dinner out one cold night, I stood by the entrance to the restaurant with the bambino in the stroller. An older woman came by and started to coo at him and make crazy faces. I was polite, but did try to make sure she didn't touch the bambino. She started to ask intimate questions about nursing and his poop. When she was finally called to her table, the bambino looked up at me and raised his eyebrows.

Even he knew something was up. 

Emily Nichols Grossi on Blogging, Motherhood & Food

Thank you to Emily Nichols Grossi for today’s post about writing regularly as a mother. Emily was a student in a recent memoir writing workshop I taught at Politics & Prose bookstore. I was struck by her attention to sensory details and enthusiasm. I’m excited to have the opportunity to share her thoughts with you today.

Emily Nichols Grossi is a Louisiana native who has happily called DC her home since 2007. A stay-at-home mother of two young sons, Emily also writes the blog, Em-i-lis,, teaches canning and preservation classes throughout the DC-area, runs Em-i-lis Catering, is an avid school volunteer and is working on a memoir.

Blogging, Motherhood & Food by Emily Nichols Grossi

It began over shallow bowls of steaming pasta tossed with wilted greens and mascarpone.

Actually, it was born months earlier when I told my friend, Shawn, how I'd informed the manager at Jack Falstaff's, a now-shuttered restaurant in San Francisco, that his crab cakes were utterly sub-par. "Shawn, never waste a dining experience by going to Falstaff's!" I implored. He laughed so hard I thought hyperventilation was nigh, and after recovering he told me for the umpteenth time that I simply must write about food. "Doll, you talk about food with such gravitas, like it's the most important thing in the world."

"How can I do this?" I asked my husband, Tom, as we grated cheese over our bowls of glistening pasta. My youngest son was about to turn two, and I craved an intellectual endeavor to enliven my days. I was happy as a stay-at-home mother but desperately wanted to carve out time to pursue the interests I'd put on hold. Tom suggested blogging.

I was a blog virgin at that point but quickly realized that it would be a terrifically workable format for me: short posts written when I had time. I decided early on that authenticity would be my mantra.  As such, I am frank and share my successes as well as my mishaps. I often write about all things food-related, but as the boys grow, I find myself writing more and more about motherhood too. My byline says it all: musings from a servantless, stay-at-home, cooking-obsessed mom.

Since I started Em-i-lis almost three years ago, I've managed to work lots of writing into stolen moments in and around naptimes, school drop-offs and pick-ups, trips to the pediatrician, potty training and playdates. I am proud to have written every day but three and have felt enormously fulfilled in doing so.

People often ask me why I write so regularly and with such candor. I wouldn't make the time if I didn't love it, didn't feel I simply must get X, Y or Z down in words. Certainly, the love of the craft is part of the why. But I've also found that there is something profoundly illuminative about committing words to page.

Through Em-i-lis, I have come to know myself much more thoroughly. I have found a confidence and a voice and a sense-of-self I'd long sought. I have recorded innumerable, quotidian details of my sons' lives that otherwise I would surely have forgotten. I have become a really good cook. I have met and reconnected with incredible people, and I have realized how honesty and openness can forge the most wonderful ties with them.

Be sure to click through to visit Em-i-lis!

Car Seat Research: Important, Scary (and a little boring)

Our current carseat/stroller combo, the Chicco Keyfit 30, will expire when our bambino reaches 30 lbs. We've found it very easy to use; the seat simply latches into the stroller base and the car seat base. Best of all, our son generally doesn't mind sitting in it. I'm sure we still have a while more that we can use it, but I'm starting to research the next size up so that we can take advantage of sales after the holidays.

My head is spinning. There are so many different options and things to consider. And, frankly, it is all pretty boring. Not to mention scary to think about what could happen.

Here are the facts from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety:

When it comes to crashes, children are safer now than ever. The rate of motor vehicle crash deaths per million children younger than 13 has declined 78 percent overall since 1975. The rate at which children die as passenger vehicle occupants has decreased 59 percent, while the rates at which they are killed as pedestrians and bicyclists has declined by 91 and 92 percent, respectively.

Proper restraint use can reduce crash deaths and injuries even more. Appropriate child safety seats provide significantly more protection in a crash than safety belts alone.

Choose the right restraint for your child’s age and size, and always seat kids in the rear.

All infants and toddlers should ride rear-facing until they are 2 years old or until they reach the height and weight limit of their child restraints. 
Once they outgrow rear-facing restraints, children should ride in a harness-equipped forward-facing child restraint for as long as possible, up to the height and weight limit of the child restraint. Top tethers should be used whenever a child restraint is installed forward-facing.
When children outgrow child restraints, they should use belt-positioning booster seats until adult safety belts fit properly.

We had luck with the first car seat by going out to Great Beginnings in Maryland. We got lots of good advice from a salesperson and could try out the different options in-person. We also got a great price with a coupon from joining their mailing list. (I blogged about the store here.)

This time around, I'm not really up for a little road trip with the bambino to buy a car seat. We hope to find something online and call it a day.

Here are some helpful online resources I found:
Great Slate article: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About #%!@% Car Seats

Very useful FAQs from Car-Safety.Org about weight, height, boosters, airplane travel, and everything else you can think of.

New information about the LATCH system.

What car seat would you recommend? 

Feminist Halloween It Was: Yoda in D.C.

Star Wars family

Feminism and personal history came up the other day in a memoir writing workshop I'm teaching at Politics and Prose bookstore. Some of the women are writing about the contrast between their mothers' risks, their own wider opportunities and their granddaughter's even wider choices. Halloween brings some of these issues to light for our nuclear family.

I feel quite aware of my own opportunities and choices I make as one of two primary role models for our son. There are some easy decisions, like keeping my "maiden" name, and bigger ones, like continuing to work as a new mamma and sharing household tasks with my husband, who works full-time. Leading up to Halloween, there was our bambino's costume to consider.

Choosing a Halloween costume for our infant son, who can't yet show an interest in choosing his own outfit of course, feels less daunting than it might be for a little girl. There are more "boy" costumes that represent a strong, intelligent and, hopefully, kind character or role. There are less frilly and troubling princess costumes and more work-related or super hero costumes for boys. Of course, at this age, babies barely have gender, so really, this shouldn't even be an issue. But it is.

As a little girl, there were times I enjoyed dressing up in shiny, frilly outfits. But I also helped my mom on photo shoots and later in the office filing her images and documents. I sometimes went to work with my dad and saw him meet with clients in his law office. With each parent owning a business, more than one day a year was "bring your daughter to work day."I hope our son, as he grows, is free to try out various more traditionally masculine roles, as well as traditionally feminine. What we don't want to do is force a particular definition upon him. 

Our bambino was dressed as a thoughtful Yoda for Halloween (and earlier in the day, since so many infant clothes are like Halloween outfits, he was Chewbacca and R2D2), and his parents were Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker. In the morning, he chatted with me, in baby-Chewbacca fashion, while I frosted homemade Halloween cupcakes and later as I sat at the computer (attempting) to write a Halloween poem. He saw his mamma doing a little bit of traditional work in the kitchen, which she loves to do, and professional, creative work, too. While she was dressed as princess that evening, she was the kind who couldn't have saved anyone with crinoline under her skirts.

Shannon Brugh gets it right in Raising Feminist Sons,

Before my first son was even born, I remember screaming in half-seriousness, “Don’t put my kid in a gender box!!” I was looking around at all the sweet baby clothes—boys in blue, girls in pink—and wondering why it had to be that way. From birth children are told what is for them and what is not—based exclusively on their gender. Puppies for boys, kitties for girls. Trucks and foot/base/soccer balls for boys, dollies and bows and hearts for girls. It was near impossible to find gender neutral (or at least, not gender obnoxious) items for the baby growing in my belly. Before I knew the sex of my baby, people dreamed about my potential girl and the tea parties and dress up we would play. They dreamed about playing in the mud and rough-and-tumble with my possible boy. But never did those two paths cross. What if my son wanted to play tea party and wear a feather boa? What if my little girl wanted to play flag football and never wore dresses? Why would one of these be celebrated and one be whispered about? The whole thing made me insane. Why is it that so many things are already decided on behalf of our kids simply because of an X or a Y chromosome? And, more importantly, can we change that?

Everyday Feminism offers a Framework for Feminist Parenting that includes things like, "respect for choices, gender and sexuality," as well as concrete examples. Now, if only we could all be on the same page and simply call this "parenting." Maybe our grandchildren won't need the word "feminist." If a little girl chooses to be a princess, great. If a little boy chooses to be a warrior, great. It is the parents' job to make sure that these are choices, rather than decisions made for them based on traditional expectations. 

I love how teaching memoir, and my students' life stories, offer some context and questions to my days and our lives. 

Stay tuned as spring semester memoir writing classes open for registration at Politics and Prose bookstore! 

Thanks to Alanna Michelle on Etsy for the fabulous Yoda hat and robe!

Four Month Birthday!

Asleep during a walk in the carrier

Our son recently celebrated his four month birthday. Like every parent, I'm amazed at how quickly he's grown and changed. And I'm still amazed that I'm his mamma.

He's now smiling, laughing, vocalizing new vowel and consonant sounds, sitting up with assistance, and, it seems, starting to teeth. He's gone through a few diaper sizes and is now wearing size 6 month clothing.

Sometimes he sleeps through the night, and sometimes he doesn't, but a general routine is starting to emerge. We are becoming better parents as we get to know him and he's calmer as he continues to learn about the world around him.

Our bambino is starting to pay more attention to books when we read to him and he likes to look at clear patterns. He loves to pump his legs in a rocking chair. His eyes and head follow us when we move around a room and he smiles when we lean close. He's already showing some preference for certain toys, books and songs; he cries when he hears me read Shel Silverstein books. Our bambino also shows preference for his right hand when he reaches and grabs objects (or hair.)

I didn't know what to expect and I did my best to make plans and listen to sage advice. Our baby is thriving and our family is happy and making it through, even if there are some tired and stressed out moments in between. My sense of time has completely changed and I'm still writing.

I love hearing him "talk" and going for walks with him close in the carrier. When it is just the two of us, I chat with him in Italian about everything we see and things we might do together, as well as things I've done. He's attentive, at least until he falls asleep from the rocking motion.

I'd say this new adventure is going as it is supposed to be. I look forward to all of the months and years ahead.

Happy four month birthday, mio bambino!

Multi-tasking and Ignoring the Clock

Beach living... 

I can't stop thinking about the nature of parent-time. I'm writing this blog post crunched in the corner of the guest bed in my son's room. He fell asleep sprawled on the bed while nursing and so I pulled out my laptop to read student essays. If I move him into the crib, he'll wake up. This is a partially selfish move (I can do some work if he sleeps) and partially thoughtful move (infants need a lot of sleep, so why interrupt his?) Meanwhile, the bottom half of my body is numb and my wrists hurt as I type in this position.

Parenthood is multi-tasking to the extreme. There are things I need, he needs, my relationship with my husband needs, the household needs and my many p/t jobs and volunteer work need. Meanwhile there are the sudden needs, like car trouble or an ant infestation. There are emails, phone calls, knocks on the door and errands to run. There are poop explosions to clean up and balanced meals to prepare and Breaking Bad to watch. There's also sleep and laundry to tend to, but if I keep listing everything that needs to get done, I might instead make a list of what to pack so I can run away to live on an island beach, alone and without any of these many needs. 

But I know that on the island, after a few nights of good sleep, I'd be lonely. I can't imagine life without my son or my husband or this career that I've carved out for myself. I don't want to have to choose. Maybe if we could all live on the beach... 

And so realistically, here I am on this guest bed, hoping I can stand on my numb legs when the baby stirs. Weekends, nights, mornings - it doesn't matter what day of the week it is or what time it is. Every day offers some random hours to get something done in the few moments that present themselves. 

Each day also offers time to notice how our son arches his back to stretch and throws his arms up over his head, as if to celebrate a victory. And how he smiles when he sees one of us right there to welcome him to this new, beautiful day. 

Time

Visiting the National Cathedral for a sunset bell recital

My sense of time has completely changed. When we are rushing to refill the diaper bag so we can leave the house, time zooms by. When it is the middle of the night and the bambino is crying, time stands still. 

I find myself both trying to carve out time and making the best of available time. When the bambino starts to vocalize sounds that will become words one day, everything else is put on hold. When I have a few hours to work, I settle right into the project and try to be as efficient as possible. No more breaks scrolling through Facebook statuses if I need to get through a pile of grading. 

Or rather, I do the best that I can. That's all any of us can do, right? 

Speaking of which, I should run. Until next time!

Another Transition: Fall Semester Starts Today, Sort Of

This morning my husband left for work; the bambino 

and I left for a walk before I settled down to do some 

work today while the babysitter watches him. 

(He's sleeping in the Ergo Carrier here.) 

In April, I blogged for Poet’s Guide to Motherhood about my plans to work, mother and write after the baby. When he was about a month and a half old, we felt like we’d settled into a routine that worked well for us. My husband and I were both working p/t from home. Today my husband goes back to working – at work.  And my p/t gigs will be back to a full-time schedule. I’m excited and a little nervous about the uptick in activities.

This summer I taught fewer online classes and paused my in-person classes and consulting appointments. As for my writing, I kept up a regular writing routine and I even gave a reading and submitted some poems (looking forward to new poems coming out this Oct.!) Even if it is stressful at times, I’m enjoying being a working mom.

This fall I’ll be back to a full schedule, including online teaching college-level classes, writing coach appointments, and in-person classes at Politics and Prose bookstore. And of course there’s the work of being a poet.

Was it smart to keep working? Is it smart to continue? Yes! Most days I can't imagine it any other way. 

Of course, the first few weeks were very, very difficult. The three of us had a lot to learn and we were all exhausted and I was recovering from a C-section. It was hard to think about work, let alone lunch and laundry. Some days I was pretty convinced that the naysayers about a possible work-life balance were right. Between the tears and fretful naps where I dreamed about my baby being lost, I made coffee and cursed everything.

After a few weeks, though, it felt really good to have parts of my “old life” still active. We all become a little more skilled at our roles (us as parents and the bambino as a bambino) and I especially appreciated the opportunity to think about non-poop oriented things. Since I teach online, I am flexible about where and when I work, which made it possible to balance so many things. Plus, my university professor husband could easily co-parent from home with me through the summer, so I wasn’t alone. We also had some babysitters throughout the summer for extra help.

Our routine changes today. My husband went to work right after breakfast this morning. While my semesters start a few weeks later, I am preparing for them and still teaching later start summer classes.

After interviewing about fifteen babysitters, we’ve settled on a few we trust to care regularly for our son while I am in the next room working. With a clear schedule of who works when, we’re ready for the transition.

And we’re ready to tweak it as things inevitably continue to change.

Vaccines for the human tribe: Keep us all safe

It hurts our hearts to see our bambino cry. Deciding to do something that will cause him pain, even if it is ultimately in his best interest, isn't easy. Vaccines fall in that category. Helping the nurses to hold down our infant son to vaccinate him in this thighs was difficult, but vital to his health and the health of our human tribe.

Following the recommended vaccine schedule helps to keep all babies healthy and safe. Many diseases have mostly vanished because we are vaccinated against them. Some babies have medical conditions that do not allow them to receive the vaccinations; if other babies receive the vaccinations, they keep those children safe.

There are many public conversations about possible connections between autism and some vaccines. Public health and medical organizations have not proven this connection. The American Academy of Pediatrics has a very clear page about vaccine safety, including a linked page about autism and vaccines. Here's what they say:

MMR and Autism
Q. Is there a link between measles vaccination and autism?
No, there is no scientifically proven link between measles vaccination and autism. 
Extensive reports from both the American Academy of Pediatrics, the Institute of Medicine and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention conclude that there is no proven association between MMR vaccine and autism. 
Autism is a chronic developmental disorder, often first identified in toddlers from age 18 months to 30 months. MMR is administered just before the peak age of onset of autism symptoms. This timing leads some parents to mistakenly assume a causal relationship. There is no evidence that MMR causes autism. 
Increasing evidence indicates that autism is determined while the baby is still in the womb, early in the pregnancy.

Our bambino was quite fussy for about 48 hours after receiving his first round of vaccines. He had a low grade fever, resisted sleep and didn't want to eat without extra coaxing. A little baby Tylenol and many, many cuddles helped him through. Talk to your doctor about what you can do to help your baby after vaccinations.

Vaccines help to protect everyone. Follow your doctor's advice and keep us all safe. 

Owed Treats: Vaccines & More

We wish we could give the bambino treats after he bravely faces something difficult, like yesterday's two month vaccines.

Of course, there really aren't any treats for infants. He can't spend extra time playing soccer, call his best friend to meet up, or have ice cream. My husband said with a smile that we should keep a list of all the treats we owe him. Then, later, we can say, "this ice cream cone is for that first time your blood was drawn." With all the crying and noisy, uncomfortable sleep, it feels like we owe him an entire gelateria.

For now, he gets all the attention he wants and deserves. Like always. 

High Tech Poop: Baby Connect App

Here's something I didn't imagine when I was daydreaming about being a mother - the pediatrician asks us how many diapers the baby has had and we can answer definitively because we've been using the Baby Connect app. We track his diaper changes, feedings, naps and medicine on the app and have set up our babysitters to do the same. 

While it sounds like something only obsessive new parents would do (ok, maybe), it has been really helpful. We take shifts at night and wake up able to check the app to catch up on the baby's feedings and more. I can keep track of how long I've been breastfeeding, which isn't easy when he naps in the middle, and which breast the bambino last fed from. Since breastfeeding has been difficult for us, it has been encouraging to see how different days compare, not to mention how we are improving. 

My husband may be a statistician, and I may be the furthest thing from one, but both of us find the app really helpful and easy to use. 

What baby-related-apps have you found useful? 

Happy Father's Day!

My husband and I have had many theoretical conversations about parenting, discipline, sleeping schedules, feeding schedules and more. And then our bambino was born three weeks ago and we had to learn quickly and reassess what was possible, impossible and reasonable.

I want to wish my husband the happiest of Father's Day, today on his first of many Father's Days. He's been an incredible partner during this hectic, exhausting, hormone-fueled period (which includes the pregnancy, birth, hospital stay, and the beginning of our time at home together. The books might not be clear about it, but this is a challenging period. More on that later; maybe.)

Our bambino is lucky to have him, as am I. Our son is calmed when he is held in his father's arms or placed to rest on his father's chest. He is soothed by his father's voice. I fall in love with my husband even more deeply when I watch him gaze at our son's wide open eyes, even late at night when they should theoretically be closed and his parents are exhausted.

To my husband - all day today and all year long!

Our two week old family

Double-Holiday Joy: Italian and American Holidays

Do we plan on celebrating two sets of holidays every year with our child: American and Italian? Yes! Why not? More fun, more treats, more joy and more language opportunities.

Yesterday was St. Joseph's Day and Father's Day in Italy. My husband and I went to The Italian Store in Arlington, Va., for the St. Joseph's pastries (see more low-calorie photos here.) We'll wait until next year to officially celebrate the Italian Father's Day, but we didn't wait to enjoy these creamy pastries.

I'm hoping to speak Italian to our child as much as possible. As I've been reading in The Bilingual Edge (more to come about that book), starting early is the best way to help ensure that your child becomes bilingual. The authors smartly recommend integrating cultural and fun activities with the language. Holidays are, of course, a great way to do that.

After spending four years in Florence, Italy, I speak Italian, although I didn't encounter a lot of words related to babies. I've started a list of relevant words here on my Italian language, culture and cuisine blog, Fare La Scarpetta.