New Daycare Success!

Our son has been at a new daycare for about a month and a half. Its been a relief that he's (usually) excited to go in the morning and wants to stay in the late afternoon. We've found ourselves immediately able to trust the new teachers and learn from them, too.

I was worried about packing his lunch for the first time and remembering the new, seemingly complicated routine. We quickly got acclimated and we're happy to report that he's been eating the packed lunches. Of course I still worry about everything (like, if he eats 100% of his lunch, does that mean I didn't pack enough?)

The first few weeks were a little tricky as our son became comfortable with the new people and environment. And then the daycare was closed for a week for cleaning, which made the return yet another transition.  But now we're there for good, or at least a few years. It is a relief to know that he's safe and the teachers there are taking good care of him.

Phew. Onto the next transition(s).

Out of Town and Back Again

I’m back from a successful visit to Fitchburg State University and an invigorating visit to Boston to visit with college friends. And when I returned, everything was ok with my family. I’m back at my desk feeling both professional and loved.

 

I was invited to Fitchburg State University by Dr. DeMisty Bellinger-Delfeld to give a reading, food writing talk and Q&A. I loved preparing for the events. I had an opportunity to think seriously about food writing in connection to my Italian definition poems. It was also flattering to be interviewed for the school paper before my arrival. 

Later in Boston with my college friends, it was dreamy to have time to talk, laugh, even cry, eat and drink throughout Boston. It has been almost 20 years (!!!) since we were all on campus together at Smith College. We can still start up right again as if we were back at a round table in the flower wallpapered dining room.

Our children need to see us doing things for our professional and personal lives. And we need to do those things. Is it hard to find the time, money and generally organize such things to happen? Yes, for sure. Did I prepare too much lasagna for my boys and generally spend too much time organizing all the things my husband knows how to do? Sure. Maybe next time I can relax before leaving, too, as my own confidence builds.

Away, I took long showers in the hotel and caught up on Poets & Writers and New Yorker issues over breakfast. What a delight to have some extra quiet time to think and rest. 

I am so happy to be back home with my boys in my arms again, ready to color with the littlest one and catch up on everything he’s done with the biggest one.

Boston

Mamma Friendships

It isn't easy to make friends as an adult. We're busy with careers and families; we aren't in class or clubs together with self-selected folks with similar interests. Attending events with our son, the new common denominator is being a parent, but caring for a baby necessarily mean that we have too much in common.

I find myself talking to a lot of new people at events for the bambino, like library programs. The first question is always, "Do you work or are you home with your baby?" I'm somewhere in between: I work, teaching online and privately, but I'm also primarily home. And I'm a poet, which is harder for some people to understand. One mother recently said snarkily to me, "Oh, a poet? Must be nice to have time to just do whatever you want."

In fact it is nice to pursue my art and career, when there's time. And it isn't a hobby. It is part of who I am and what I do. Everything could be a hobby, I suppose, but if someone says she's a poet, then that's what she is. It isn't code for unemployed, although we don't necessarily make money from poetry. (Yes, I'm sometimes a bit defensive about this since I often need to, well, defend myself.)

I teach writing because it is something I love, I'm good at and yes, because it is a job that pays the bills. I write because I am a writer. And I encourage everyone who writes to own that definition for herself.

Being a Woman Mother Writer isn't the same as being a woman, mother or writer. At least while my son is small, my lifestyle is radically different from other writers without a baby. And my lifestyle as a writing mom isn't the same as mothers who don't write or immerse themselves in an art.

Woman Mother Writers: Let's connect here and undo some of that loneliness and misunderstanding. Email me if you'd like to share your thoughts on the subject (ChloeMiller(at)gmail(dot)com) and perhaps guest blog, too.

Finding Childcare: Reliable? Heartbreaking?

Being a working mom means needing affordable, trustworthy childcare. And that's not easy.

Since I mostly teach online and both my husband I have a flexible, academic schedule (some days, at least), we were able to get through the summer and this semester with an occasional p/t babysitter. Next semester, my husband will be on family leave and he will be the primary care giver. Still, we will need some help here and there.

We searched for sitters on care.com, sittercity.com and local list serves (neighborhood, family and alum lists.) We tried asking friends, but got very few recommendations. Clearly a good sitter is hard to find and families are reluctant to "give away" their sitters. We've tried to buck this trend by recommending ours and hope the good karma returns to us when we need to find someone in the future. (I'll let you know if that works out.)

We met some real doozies - one woman said goodbye to our bambino by knocking his bare arm with her keys and another yawned throughout the whole interview. We also found a few kind women with excellent experience who we really like.

Care.com offers possible background checks and personal information. To be extra safe, we've photocopied government-issued identification for folks we found elsewhere. Care.com also has a good list of questions to ask a sitter, what information and items to leave, and how to best show a sitter around your home. At first, I was taken by women who were native Italian speakers, but had little infant experience, or who seemed like they could be friends. Of course, their experience with soothing, playing, feeding and teaching babies new skills are more important.

It took us almost five months to feel comfortable leaving our bambino alone with someone who wasn't a close relation or friend. Usually, I would work from home in another room while the sitter takes care of our bambino. This means that I wanted to find someone I felt comfortable spending a lot of time with, too. Of course, if I'm not comfortable, why should my baby be?

It was - and is - incredibly hard to hear him cry with someone else and not comfort him. It was - and is - incredibly hard to hear him laugh and not run into his room to join in the fun. The range of emotions is exhausting and not always conducive to working. Still, I've been able to keep up with my teaching and some writing. It has also been comforting to be home to hear the sitter interact with our son and to offer some suggestions, when necessary, as they get to know each other. It has been hard at times to not only share my baby, but also our entire apartment as they move from room to room.

Of course, a sort of Murphy's Law holds true that a baby who won't nap all morning will go down for a sitter as soon as she arrives and wake just as she's about to leave. Money well-spent, right? Theoretically, I can work without having to keep an ear out for my son. Of course, I usually do keep listening and can't avoid hearing him, but I can attempt to relax knowing someone else is responsible for him.

I've started to leave the house to work elsewhere and trust that our son will be ok with our chosen sitters. The other day, I even suggested that the two of them take a stroller-walk. That walk marked the first time I'd been alone at home since mid-May. It both feels good - and productive or relaxing - to be alone, but also alarming when I suddenly don't hear or see my baby close to me. I imagine these emotions will continue for a long while.

Infant childcare costs are astronomical (there are full-time places we visited close to home in Washington, D.C., that cost around $2,000 a month. A month!) Waiting lists sometimes open years after parents joined them. Some centers allow families to put down a deposit and join a waiting list as soon as the mother finds out she's pregnant; others ask for the baby's birth date. Childcare is clearly something to think ahead about.

What tips do you have for finding good childcare?

Another Transition: Fall Semester Starts Today, Sort Of

This morning my husband left for work; the bambino 

and I left for a walk before I settled down to do some 

work today while the babysitter watches him. 

(He's sleeping in the Ergo Carrier here.) 

In April, I blogged for Poet’s Guide to Motherhood about my plans to work, mother and write after the baby. When he was about a month and a half old, we felt like we’d settled into a routine that worked well for us. My husband and I were both working p/t from home. Today my husband goes back to working – at work.  And my p/t gigs will be back to a full-time schedule. I’m excited and a little nervous about the uptick in activities.

This summer I taught fewer online classes and paused my in-person classes and consulting appointments. As for my writing, I kept up a regular writing routine and I even gave a reading and submitted some poems (looking forward to new poems coming out this Oct.!) Even if it is stressful at times, I’m enjoying being a working mom.

This fall I’ll be back to a full schedule, including online teaching college-level classes, writing coach appointments, and in-person classes at Politics and Prose bookstore. And of course there’s the work of being a poet.

Was it smart to keep working? Is it smart to continue? Yes! Most days I can't imagine it any other way. 

Of course, the first few weeks were very, very difficult. The three of us had a lot to learn and we were all exhausted and I was recovering from a C-section. It was hard to think about work, let alone lunch and laundry. Some days I was pretty convinced that the naysayers about a possible work-life balance were right. Between the tears and fretful naps where I dreamed about my baby being lost, I made coffee and cursed everything.

After a few weeks, though, it felt really good to have parts of my “old life” still active. We all become a little more skilled at our roles (us as parents and the bambino as a bambino) and I especially appreciated the opportunity to think about non-poop oriented things. Since I teach online, I am flexible about where and when I work, which made it possible to balance so many things. Plus, my university professor husband could easily co-parent from home with me through the summer, so I wasn’t alone. We also had some babysitters throughout the summer for extra help.

Our routine changes today. My husband went to work right after breakfast this morning. While my semesters start a few weeks later, I am preparing for them and still teaching later start summer classes.

After interviewing about fifteen babysitters, we’ve settled on a few we trust to care regularly for our son while I am in the next room working. With a clear schedule of who works when, we’re ready for the transition.

And we’re ready to tweak it as things inevitably continue to change.

Work. Life. Balance? - Guest Blog at Poet's Guide to Motherhood

Thanks to Kimberly O'Connor for inviting me to guest post on her blog Poet's Guide to Motherhood. I wrote about my expectations regarding writing and teaching after our baby arrives. Kimberly will be responding to my piece Work. Life. Balance? next week.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject, too.