Always an Aunt

Aunt Dora and I in 2008

When something, like a meatball or the phrase, "so long!," reminds me of Aunt Dora, I tell my son about his Zia Dora. I tell him how she was anxious for me to get pregnant (long before I was ready) and how she would put her arms out as if rocking a baby to show how she'd care for him, even if she'd have to sit while she held him.

I want my son to know Aunt Dora. Of course, he's too young to remember (or perhaps understand any of) what I say, but why wait until he's too old to be interested? This habit will stay with us.

Even though she passed in 2011 on April 1st, she is very present in my life. Two years ago, I shared this found epistolary poem that I wrote for her. She also appears in some newer poems in my current manuscript.

Anyone who knew her remembers that she was feisty. Sure, she'd say beautiful things like, "I'll always love you," but she'd also comment on the size of my "bottom" after asking me to spin around so she could get a better look. Like a character in a novel (or memoir?) all of these aspects of her add up to who she was.

Aunt Dora would describe how she sat with her knees against my grandfather's and help teach me how to walk when I was a baby; she said she'd do that for my child with my mother. She was ready to be my child's great-great aunt.

And she is, through memories and words.

Anniversaries on April 1st

Today, April 1st, is an emotional day for me; being pregnant doesn't help to moderate my emotions when I think about my great Aunt Dora passing in 2011. Perhaps strangely, today is also the anniversary of the first time my husband and I met in 2006. (And yes, it is also April Fool's day. The joke wasn't lost on us on our first date.)

At Storm King Mountain, June 2007 

There are studies that point to the fact that the pregnant mother shares her (hormonally-charged) emotions with her baby. When there are significant happenings - good and bad - I think about how I'm transferring my emotions to the baby. Of course, this transference will continue after pregnancy, once the baby can witness my husband and I facing various challenges and joys. 

I've been missing my great Aunt Dora while simultaneously feeling thrilled that my husband and I are expecting a baby this June, the same month she and I celebrate(d) birthdays. I wish she could be here to welcome the new arrival. My goal today is to allow myself to feel these emotions, not become overwhelmed, and to ultimately learn from them all. 

Sure, like most things, that's easier said than done. Luckily it is National Poetry Month and I'm reminded to turn towards poetry to help untangle our world. 

Aunt Dora and I (March 2008)