Male and Female: Kids & Written Characters

I often read lists about how it is "hard to parent a (fill in "boy" or "girl.") The lists, including things like, "get ready to do laundry, mothers of boys," box our children into gender roles before they can even pronounce the words "boy" or "girl."

Yes, I do have a sense of humor and acknowledge the dominant, traditional view, but we don't need to perpetuate this view. Babies aren't flirting and and don't have firmly set gender or sexual identities.

The other day, another mom told me about how she sewed her daughter's tutu but, after looking at our son, added that I won't have to worry about those things. Another mom told me that she has some plates her daughter doesn't need anymore, but she can't give them to our son because they are "girly." "Girly" things aren't lesser than "boy" things and, perhaps, our son would like them. Or not. It is up to him.

Our son likes to carry my purse because, as he says while pointing at my shoulder, "Mamma!" Mamma does it, and so he wants to do it. He tries to wear his father's snow boots because, as he says while pointing at Daddy's feet, "Daddy!" Daddy wears them, so he wants to, too. 

Our son loves to point out trucks, but he also likes to brush my hair. He's a person learning about the things that people around him do. He needs to eat, sleep, clean himself (or be cleaned) and stay as safe as possible. Beyond that, we hope he has enough choices available to him to make the ones that are right for him. 

Our son might be traditionally male or female for part or all of his life. He is likely to fall somewhere in the middle of this strangely rigid spectrum and move around, too, depending on his current interests. 

When I work as a writing coach and carefully read a manuscript, I sometimes find myself tongue-tied about the gender roles portrayed by characters. I want the author to be true to the characters, but I wish we didn't live in a world where a "soft fabric" is marked as being feminine and "yard work" is marked as a male activity. I advise the authors to be true to the characters as people by avoiding stereotypes and to round out each character as much as possible.

If a writer doesn't take herself terribly seriously in a memoir (i.e. noting faults and failings), then she should do the same for others. Let the characters, fictional or not, be fully developed people who have preferences because they have them, not because someone looked at their body and superimposed gender roles on them. 

Ultimately, the trick is not only to do this in writing, but in real life. We must look at the people around us and notice what they are doing as people.

People. Not men or women. People.

No matter what current laws are or aren't succeeding or intending to do. 

Nope, My Son Isn't Flirting

My son was eating a blueberry pancake in a cafeteria when a woman in scrubs walked by. They smiled at each other and then he started to cough. She joked, "Oh, wow. You're so handsome. It's been so long since a man has been choked up by my beauty."

I responded to my son, "At least there are nurses and doctors around while you're choking, amore." Since he quickly stopped coughing and returned to picking the blueberries out of the pancakes, it seemed like an appropriate response to an inappropriate comment. We all returned to our breakfast and the strange woman walked away.

This isn't the first time someone has said something like this. My son, at 15 months old and for many months and years ahead, isn't flirting, "making eyes," or doing anything sexual towards the opposite and/or same sex. He's playing and learning. He's slowly developing a sense of his physical and emotional self, as well as his gender and sexuality. His relationships, both casual and close, as well as the language we use to describe them, matter as his foundations for the future are formed. 

Let's teach our children that they can have appropriate friendships with all ages, genders, races, religions and classes. There's no need to sexualize a child, even through jokes. The words we use and our actions teach messages to children of all ages. 

For more, visit Understanding Early Sexual Development from KidsHealth and the Mayo Clinic's article Sex education: Talking to toddlers and preschoolers about sex. For older kids and adults, I recommend Jane Bogart's book Sexploration.