Nope, My Son Isn't Flirting

My son was eating a blueberry pancake in a cafeteria when a woman in scrubs walked by. They smiled at each other and then he started to cough. She joked, "Oh, wow. You're so handsome. It's been so long since a man has been choked up by my beauty."

I responded to my son, "At least there are nurses and doctors around while you're choking, amore." Since he quickly stopped coughing and returned to picking the blueberries out of the pancakes, it seemed like an appropriate response to an inappropriate comment. We all returned to our breakfast and the strange woman walked away.

This isn't the first time someone has said something like this. My son, at 15 months old and for many months and years ahead, isn't flirting, "making eyes," or doing anything sexual towards the opposite and/or same sex. He's playing and learning. He's slowly developing a sense of his physical and emotional self, as well as his gender and sexuality. His relationships, both casual and close, as well as the language we use to describe them, matter as his foundations for the future are formed. 

Let's teach our children that they can have appropriate friendships with all ages, genders, races, religions and classes. There's no need to sexualize a child, even through jokes. The words we use and our actions teach messages to children of all ages. 

For more, visit Understanding Early Sexual Development from KidsHealth and the Mayo Clinic's article Sex education: Talking to toddlers and preschoolers about sex. For older kids and adults, I recommend Jane Bogart's book Sexploration. 

Traveling Internationally With Baby

Success! We traveled from Washington, D.C., to Vienna, Austria with an active 15 month old toddler.  It was our second airplane journey with him. The first was to Oregon when he was about 7 months old. As excited as I was to eat the famous Viennese pastries and see the Klimt paintings, I'm mostly proud that we made it without any trauma.

My biggest tip? Purchase and use a zillion ziplock bags. No, your toddler shouldn't play with them, but you can still use them for everything. They help to keep the luggage organized, any liquid or gel safe from leaking and are great for small packs of necessary items, like a tiny diaper changing kit or snack kit. Or dirty diaper collection. Or really anything else. I was glad to have extras on hand.

I packed every possible medicine or cream or clothing item I thought we might need. Of course I was wrong. The bambino developed a rash that needed a prescription, which we received from a doctor we visited. The U.S. embassy, as well as the hotel, had a list of English language doctors and the one we saw had an amazing bedside manner. We were glad to be able to solve the immediate problem and see our pediatrician when we returned.

Our toddler, like every other one, is a picky eater. While we figured we'd find diapers and food for him in Vienna, we weren't sure what we could find for a smooth plane ride home. We packed an extra snack pack (long lasting small containers of milk that didn't need refrigeration and food) for the flight home. That proved useful, since I couldn't find smaller containers of milk and there wasn't any available on the flight home.

I had very low expectations for the entire trip. My husband was invited to give some talks and there were periods of time the bambino and I were on our own. My goals included sticking to our regular napping and eating schedule. I was hopeful that we could take some walks and maybe even visit a famous cafe or museum. The bambino and I had our first solo dinner out in a restaurant and visited a cafe for treats one afternoon. All in all, a success. Of course there were some toddler melt-downs, but there were also a lot of giggles and fun. Just like at home.

Did he like it? He loved the regular croissants and all the elevators we took with the stroller. He seemed to particularly like the colorful Hundertwasser paintings. Will he remember the trip? Probably not. But his parents, who hope to continue traveling as they did before becoming parents, have more confidence and look forward to more trips with him. And he will learn to become a confident, flexible traveler himself.

Jet lag is (still) the biggest hurdle. There's this Slate article with some tips, but I say to just give yourselves time on both ends. Try to get some sunlight and keep to a regular schedule, but... you'll all be exhausted and need to do what you need to do. We're still slightly off, but I'm sure we'll settle into (a new?) schedule soon enough.

A few pictures:

Cafe Central our first day

Very European view from the crib

Great park near the Naschmarkt

Miro' exhibit at the Albertina Museum

Fall Reading List?

I've been trying to find time to finish reading a book about toddler sleep. I'd have more time if the bambino slept more. Perhaps he'd sleep more if I could glean some tips from this book I can't seem to finish reading, Dr. Karp's he Happiest Baby Guide to Great Sleep: Simple Solutions for Kids from Birth to 5 Years.

I have a pile of books that I want to read, but time is short and I'm tired. At this point in the hormonal journey of pregnancy (my son is almost 15 months old), I doubt I can blame any kind of "pregnancy brain." But I can blame exhaustion. I want to keep up with the newest - and oldest - poetry collections, but I read a few lines and have to keep rereading them.

I have been having more luck with fiction, maybe because missing a line or two doesn't derail the entire, tiny piece, as it would in a poem? That's not fair to fiction, which can be expertly crafted, but that's my current experience. Of course the book I'm reading, or trying to read, right now has multiple perspectives and I continue to be confused by who the current narrator is. Perhaps this is a time in my life for a more traditional text.

That said, live readings have been a joy. I'm able to focus since I've carved out (and caffeinated for) a period of time to listen and be present. Luckily, fall is the time of some great literature festivals. I hope to see you at some of them! And I hope to return to my pile of library books before the last renewal ends.

Ferguson and Literature

Mary Engelbreit, In the USA (2014)

How do we, two white parents, raise a white toddler in America in 2014? In Washington, D.C.? It isn't easy to talk about race and I'm not sure that I know how. Each individual - every single one - is equal and entitled to the same things, but we aren't all offered the same opportunities. (Have you read the recent and thorough Atlantic article, "The Case for Reparations" by Ta-Nehisi Coates?) There's some hope in literature - both writing and reading it - as a means to access experiences, truths and possibilities.

I remember reading Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye in high school and, while not having blue eyes, feeling embarrassed for my privilege. I'm not sure we were using the word "privilege" then as we do now, but I remember the feeling. I read the book at least twice and when I learned in class that Morrison's given name was "Chloe" ("Toni" was a nickname), I felt it was a sign I could share insight through the written word. I remember telling a white classmate this and she said, "Really? But she's black." I wish I had responded to all the "but" implied; I should have and I haven't forgotten my silence.

As I read about Ferguson I am at a loss. What can I possibly do? Children are dead because of race. We live in a country where this happens.

I can teach my son to be open, welcoming, and understand both his privilege and other peoples' experiences. I can purchase books by writers of color for him (of which there could be many, many more published) and expose him to a variety of cultural experiences right here in our city and throughout our nation, as well as the world. That's not enough, of course, to change our country's path, but it is a start. (And our MFA and publishing worlds aren't perfect for people of color, as Junot Diaz writes in The New Yorker.)

As adults, I encourage you to read the below poems and pieces on race. I look forward to sharing them with our son as he matures. Could we progress so that they become historic relics? Markers of a time past? I remember learning about the 60's Newark, New Jersey, race protests from my parents, who lived nearby at the time. Hopefully the next generations, unlike ours, will learn from history.

Poems for Ferguson: Vanessa Huang and Aya de Leon

Danez Smith's not an elegy for Mike Brown

On Being Seen: An Interview with Claudia Rankine from Ferguson and Langston Hughes' Let America be America Again

Dear Ferguson – A DC Community Poem

Danez Smith's "Dinosaurs in the Hood" (written before Ferguson)

This is just a start. What else should we read? 

(Trying to be) Easy on Yourself

Exploring Jefferson's Monticello

I'm typing this after being up most of the night with our teething toddler. I had planned on spending today writing and making progress on some new poems and submissions, but my head is fuzzy like unbrushed teeth. My to-do list is long and I probably shouldn't even be "indulging" in (unpaid) writing when there are other pressing things to do.

Today isn't a day when I'll be creating anything. I can do some laundry and basic tasks, but that's it. While I'm frustrated, this is part of parenthood and our (increasingly less new) reality. It is one that requires deep breaths (Dr. Karp's "magic breathing"?) and flexible thinking.

Yesterday, while the bambino was napping, he burst out into sleep-giggles. I was right there when it happened because he was napping in my arms, refusing the crib (another frustration). Without waking himself up, he smiled, his chest heaved and his eyes squinted. These moments remind me that everything is ok. Its ok to rest and enjoy each moment, tough and beautiful wrapped into one.

Excuse me while I refill my coffee cup and remind myself that writing isn't an "indulgence," it is what I do, along with many other things. And arrange to take a nap this afternoon.

Art & Poets at the American University Museum at the Katzen Arts Center

I love taking the bambino to art museums (his first visit was to the Portland Art Museum.) Carrying him, he can be just about eye-to-eye with the art work and we're close enough that I can talk to him about it. Nonna and I recently took him to the American University Museum at the Katzen Arts Center. The museum is free and parking, underneath the building, is only $2.00 an hour. It is very easy and accessible with a baby (there's an elevator between the three floors, in case you are using a stroller.) I was happy to discover that there is an exhibit with work by and inspired by poets, too.

Looking at Hadie Shafie's 26000 Pages (Ketab Series), 2011

The exhibit An Opening of the Field: Jess, Robert Duncan, & Their Circle was really interesting and inspiring. The artist Jess Collins and his partner, poet Robert Duncan, collaborated with poets and artists in San Francisco in the early 1950s.

What are your favorite, kid-friendly things to do in Washington, D.C.?

Pregnancy and Parenting Advice Internet Style

Reading parent online discussions about pregnancy or children's medical issues is like watching a train wreck. It isn't good for anyone involved, yet I can't stop turning my head.

* Parents post photographs of their baby's rash - on their genitalia - and say that the doctor said to do something, but the parents don't want to. What do you, random person with a computer, think I should do instead?

* I read something by one mamma who dropped her baby on the sidewalk. She was reassured by many other parents who had also dropped their babies on hard surfaces. And you know, they seem fine. For now. Without medical attention.

* One mother posted recently that her contractions were one minute apart. What should she do? I read this a few days after it was posted and women were continuing to offer late, time-sensitive advice. No follow-up from the mother.

* There are posts about cheating spouses, suspicious relatives left alone with tiny babies, anti-vaccination posts and more.

Why would you listen to someone on the internet who doesn't know your baby's medical history or anything about you? It is baffling. I understand the need to connect with other parents; parenthood can be scary and lonely. But just because you are pregnant, got someone pregnant, gave birth, adopted, foster or otherwise care for children, none of that means you suddenly gain the knowledge of a medical professional.

But, if you would listen to just anyone, even someone with an MFA in poetry and a computer, here's my advice:

Call your doctor. Follow the doctor's advice and if you don't like it, get a second opinion. From a medical doctor.