Chunking!

Wendy Wisner's newest piece for Scary Mommy introduced me to the word chunking:

"The latest theories on time management advise strongly against multitasking—good news for me. The new catchphrase is “chunking,” and it basically means that rather than trying to get everything done at once, you set aside specific chunks of time, and then just work. Do nothing else."

I love this word that describes my approach to accomplishing anything since adding motherhood to the juggling act of cobbling together a full-time job from part-time ones: poet, adjunct, writing teacher and private writing coach. (How's that last sentence for mixed metaphors? That is pretty much what it feels like. Varied, fun and sometimes confusing.)

I live by my calendar program. I input everything, from taking a walk to doing laundry to grading exams to submitting poems to hustling for teaching assignments the following semester. Everything is color coded and in-person appointments are in separate "calendars" shared with my husband, so that we can better coordinate who is picking up our son from daycare and when we might be free for, imagine that!, a date night.

My main time management tip is to literally schedule your writing time and other projects that easily get pushed to the side since the creative projects are (usually) less time sensitive. If you schedule the time to write and accomplish a task, one that you want to do or would rather procrastinate, you will actually show up to do it.

It is like setting a timer: You can focus on anything for a short period of time and then give yourself a break. But first, you have to show up and do the work. And then it will perhaps be done, but at least be started.

What is your best approach to making sure that the balls you are juggling don't hit you in the head on their way down?

"Getting To Do It"

I often introduce myself as a "poet who teaches creative non-fiction," referring to the undergraduate essay writing courses and memoir writing workshops I teach. When questioned about why I don't teach poetry instead of prose, I joke, "Yeah, I don't get to teach poetry." As if someone were holding me back. 

Someone was holding me back. Me. 

As my fortieth birthday looms closer and closer, I've been trying to nudge my professional life towards poetry. 

Collaborating with the generous owner of The Spa Room, Mary Szegda, I've started to offer monthly generative poetry writing workshops. We had our first class Tuesday evening and it was lovely. We sat in a circle, surrounded by the earthy perfume of healing products, and wrote in response to prompts, poems and sensory objects (chocolate and stones.) Each participant wrote radically different pieces, encouraging us to take more chances in our writing with subsequent prompts. 

DMV area folks: Interested in joining our next generative poetry writing workshop? Register here through The Spa Room (click on June and Special Events to find the listing). 

Here is the full description: 

Writing the Body: Poetry Writing Prompt Workshop 

Tuesday, June 21; 7:30 - 9:00 pm

90.00 minutes

$30.00 each individual session (a portion of the proceeds will be donated to the DC Rape Crisis Center after costs are covered.) 

In this monthly workshop, we will write in response to prompts. The prompts will begin with our bodies (muscles, five senses, physical memories) and may bring us anywhere. As we can slowly stretch our body to allow an opening, we will focus on our physical experiences and related memories in order to understand them better. Writing, which includes naming our experiences, is part of how we understand and navigate our world. Our time together will be spent generating writing in response to prompts. Writers will be invited to read their in-class writing, if they choose to. The focus will be on the creative process (rather than editing and revising the work.) Writers of all levels welcome. Please come with a writing surface (clipboard or book) and paper or charged laptop. You are welcome to register for one or more classes. Each one will be unique and stand on its own. 

Chloe Yelena Miller, author of the chapbook Unrest (Finishing Line Press), teaches writing workshops at Politics and Prose Bookstore and privately. She also teaches college-level classes online at the University of Maryland and Fairleigh Dickinson University. She received her BA in Italian language and literature from Smith College and an MFA in creative writing from Sarah Lawrence College. You can read more about her here: http://chloeyelenamiller.blogspot.com 

Class limited to 8 students 

The Spa Room 

4115 Wisconsin Avenue, Suite 102, Washington DC, 20016 

Future class dates: 

Tuesday, July 5; 7:30 - 9:00 pm

Tuesday, August 16; 7:30 - 9:00 pm

Parenting & Writing Better By Leaving (for the weekend)

Two dear college friends and I have arranged annual reunions the last two years. I hope that this stays a habit.

Taking a periodic break makes me a better parent, partner, writer and teacher. It had been an entire year since I had spent a night away from my son. 

Let me repeat that: It had been an entire year since I had spent a night away from my son. Yes, I missed him terribly - it was a physical ache, especially in the mornings - but it is necessary to give ourselves breaks. 

The break from our regularly scheduled lives is a chance to both be together and be separate from everything else. We don't live close enough to stop by for a cup of coffee and this long weekend together is our chance to be together, side by side, and share a bottle (or two) of wine. It is rejuvenating. 

This break wasn't about time away to write or read or accomplish anything other than seeing friends. It was about time away to just be ourselves and reconnect. 

Give yourself a break when you can, be it for an afternoon walk or a weekend away with friends. Honor all parts of yourself. If you don't, how can you focus to write? 

How to Communicate Like a Buddhist by Cynthia Kane

It is always encouraging when friends publish books (real people can do it!) and even better when the book is a good one. Congratulations to my friend, co-teacher, agent and former classmate Cynthia Kane on her publication of How to Communicate Like a Buddhist. The book is officially available today!

This lovely book is clearly written and organized, as well as inspiring. As a memoir writing instructor, I particularly like how she integrated aspects of her life story into this book (see, writers? It can be done seamlessly.)

Cynthia focuses on a five-step practice that you can use for yourself:
1. Listen to yourself (your internal and external words)
2. Listen to others
3. Speak consciously, concisely, and clearly
4. Regard silence as a part of speech
5. Meditate to enhance your communication skills

I'm ready to improve, hone in on and remember to use these skills that sometimes get lost on the busiest, most stressful days. After all, add "parenthood" to "full time career of part-time gigs" and the regular daily things a human must do, and that human starts to feel a literal pain in the neck. We could all use some tools to help us to better focus, listen and communicate with others.

To learn more, visit Cynthia's website, How to Communicate Like a Buddhist's website or Facebook page and read this recent interview with her. Don't miss her upcoming events in Washington, D.C., and Ohio. 

No regrets. Hopefully.

My son and I in blue in Ann Arbor

(not purposely UMich blue, but sometimes these things happen)

I went to the Aveda School in Washington, D.C., last month and five hours later (!!), I had blue highlights. I'd never colored my hair and I'm thrilled with the new color.

I've always been too cautious in my life. I avoided dying my hair in case I didn't like it. And I missed out. I only bought clothes I thought would fit and look "classic" for years and years regardless of the current style.

And then after pregnancy, I found my body, from feet to hips, a new size. And my hair was falling out post-birth. I needed new clothes, shoes and a haircut. I finally started to buy clothes that I really liked, classic or not. I dyed my hair.

Fearing regret doesn't motivate a person or make her feel good.

Sometimes in life I did hold my ground instead of giving into fear or regret. I remember a friend in high school warning me that I'd regret not going to some senior lock-down, sleep over at the school. And lots of people told me I'd "regret" not getting married in a white dress with a veil. Sometimes I check-in about these decisions (clearly I have trouble letting go.) Nope, no regret. I did what I wanted to do and feel good about it.

I need to remember to apply this personal strength to writing. Write what you want to know, I tell my students. Write the unsaid, I add. Even if this is hard. 

We should always think carefully about our choices, especially when other people are involved.  But it is the deep probing into our worlds and our own choices where the important thought, consideration, writing and action can be found.

Don't live in regret. Live today. Write today. Write yesterday today. Just write. Revise. Read. And share your work with others.

Saying No to Unpaid Work Gracefully and Respectfully

As a poet, adjunct professor and independent writing coach, I don't make a lot of "extra" money. Sometimes doing something for free - like a one time writing workshop - helps to support another organization while spreading the word about my services. And sometimes I (probably like you) am simply asked to work for free. 

The thought of losing potential income and, perhaps most importantly, time, angers me. Why would someone ask me to give away my expertise?

I recently stopped paying attention and asked someone for advice without considering that she probably charges for such work. (We all make mistakes; I was very sorry about this.) I was, amazingly, rewarded with a beautiful rejection note that inspired me to better respect others while teaching me how to say, "no." Here is her response, edited for writers: 

I would love to devote more time and energy to this conversation, but the unfortunate reality is that writers are very often approached to provide free labor on things like this. We simply can't say yes to everything the way we want too. I didn't want to leave you with nothing, so I hope the resources below are helpful. If you'd like to talk more extensively, I can happily arrange a coaching session in which I can give you my undivided attention (insert link here.)

Our Bodies: Knowledge and Consent Starting in Toddlerhood

Our attentive son has noticed some physical differences between his mother and father.

OK, the truth is that he would occasionally point and laugh at me. And I, who used to lead an occasional safer sex seminar for first years at an American university in Italy, was stumped about what to say about the genitalia that I was "missing" and and how we weren't going to "go to the store, Mommy, and buy one. Now!"

Ahem.

Avoiding Googling and seeing images I could never un-see, I turned to my many knowledgeable friends. Thank you to Rev. Nancy McDonald Ladd and sex educators Danielle Foote and Bianca Palmisano for their recommendations, which you can find below. These resources have helped him to learn about his body and to start open conversations between the three of us.

The Netherlands offers sexuality education for kids as young as four. Clearly it can be done with the right resources and support. I imagine that we will next turn to books about gender and sexuality. For now, our son has stopped asking questions, which suggests he learned what he wanted to know about his body. (Now he's asking about other things, like planets, moons and dinosaurs.)

Do you have favorite resources about sex, gender and/or sexuality for toddlers? Please share them below in the Comments section. 

Here are the best resources I found:

These two books are very informative and straight-forward about bodies:

Amazing You!: Getting Smart About Your Private Parts by Gail Saltz (Author) and Lynne Avril Cravath (Illustrator). This book is very clear about what boys and girls have as children. There are even pictures to show how their bodies are likely to change as they grow.

Related to naming and understanding their bodies, kids should start to learn consent with adults and other children. Children can start to learn the concept by having physical autonomy. This book, Your Body Belongs to You, by Cornelia Maude Spelman (Author) and Teri Weidner (Illustrator) helps to explain these issues.

This next book doesn't address genitalia, but it does explain how other parts of our body work.With interactive flaps, our son is mesmerized about the world beneath his skin.

Little Explorers: My Amazing Body by Ruth Martin  (Author), Allan Sanders (Illustrator)

What Makes a Baby by Cory Silverberg  (Author), Fiona Smyth (Illustrator) addresses the many ways that an adult can become a parent, while showing non-gender specific people.

For more book recommendations, including for older children, Dr. Nadine Thornhill's  article Let's Read About Sex! 6 Books About Sex for Toddler to Teen has some great suggestions. Planned Parenthood also has great tools and recommendations for talking with your teen.

Birds + Bees + Kids is an online program by Amy Lang, a sexual health educator, about talking to kids about the birds and the bees. (It is pay-for content, but comes highly recommended.) She has an "Ages & Stages Seminar" that addresses kids as young as two.

If you are interested in working directly with a health, sex or sexuality educator in order to help you to educate yourself and your children, you might try: The MamaSutra, Superstar Health Education or Dr. Nadine Thornhill.

The Unitarian Universalists have an educational program about birth, babies, bodies and families. (They also have programs that follow for older children and adults, too.) You might be interested in seeing their recommended books and more about the program. Here is the link to their program, OWL.