Male and Female: Kids & Written Characters

I often read lists about how it is "hard to parent a (fill in "boy" or "girl.") The lists, including things like, "get ready to do laundry, mothers of boys," box our children into gender roles before they can even pronounce the words "boy" or "girl."

Yes, I do have a sense of humor and acknowledge the dominant, traditional view, but we don't need to perpetuate this view. Babies aren't flirting and and don't have firmly set gender or sexual identities.

The other day, another mom told me about how she sewed her daughter's tutu but, after looking at our son, added that I won't have to worry about those things. Another mom told me that she has some plates her daughter doesn't need anymore, but she can't give them to our son because they are "girly." "Girly" things aren't lesser than "boy" things and, perhaps, our son would like them. Or not. It is up to him.

Our son likes to carry my purse because, as he says while pointing at my shoulder, "Mamma!" Mamma does it, and so he wants to do it. He tries to wear his father's snow boots because, as he says while pointing at Daddy's feet, "Daddy!" Daddy wears them, so he wants to, too. 

Our son loves to point out trucks, but he also likes to brush my hair. He's a person learning about the things that people around him do. He needs to eat, sleep, clean himself (or be cleaned) and stay as safe as possible. Beyond that, we hope he has enough choices available to him to make the ones that are right for him. 

Our son might be traditionally male or female for part or all of his life. He is likely to fall somewhere in the middle of this strangely rigid spectrum and move around, too, depending on his current interests. 

When I work as a writing coach and carefully read a manuscript, I sometimes find myself tongue-tied about the gender roles portrayed by characters. I want the author to be true to the characters, but I wish we didn't live in a world where a "soft fabric" is marked as being feminine and "yard work" is marked as a male activity. I advise the authors to be true to the characters as people by avoiding stereotypes and to round out each character as much as possible.

If a writer doesn't take herself terribly seriously in a memoir (i.e. noting faults and failings), then she should do the same for others. Let the characters, fictional or not, be fully developed people who have preferences because they have them, not because someone looked at their body and superimposed gender roles on them. 

Ultimately, the trick is not only to do this in writing, but in real life. We must look at the people around us and notice what they are doing as people.

People. Not men or women. People.

No matter what current laws are or aren't succeeding or intending to do.